Ninja Resurrection 1997 (FUCKING SPOILERS)

I am a psychopathic, slightly-sadistic, evil mother-fucker. But at least I'm not one of the crowd of egotistical sheep. Now by this, what I mean is, is that everyone and their dog seems to rate this anime as being truly awful. Crap story, crap characters, crap animation, crap whatever. Basically people would suggest that this Anime is like rubbing crap on your television screen.
Hey, brothers! Some people may think that! Personally I don't. Now, let's discuss.

Basically, the story is about Shiro Amakusa, a leader of a Christian rebellion against the shogun's army or something. (They basically want the Christians to get the fuck out.) So anyway, Shiro is prophesied to be, well, the next Jesus. BUT, if he becomes corrupt (or something) he'll come back as Satan. Because we all know there's a fine fine line between Satan and Jesus. -Hides from overly-religious people-

GUIZ. DON'T FLAME ME. I AM ONE WITH THE AGNOSTIC PEOPLE.

So anyway. Many people, HATE the story. I can't see why, yeah it's simple. Yeah, it could be offensive, but, PFFFFTTT who cares? Satan's alright. Read Paradise Lost, I think Satan's a pretty interesting character. And hell, when he's bought in as a white-haired girly man, a Yaoi fan such as myself must watch! So anyway...

Characters




Yagyu Jubei - Because the show is two episodes long, we don't see much of characters, so stick with me through this. Jubei seems like an alright guy, strong and serious, but with a happy side, we see more of his back story in the start of the second OVA, but unfortunately this isn't adapted...


Shiro - He's like someone that your mum would want you to date. He seems like a nice guy to have around, then he goes batshit crazy and start tearing church roofs up and shit. Turns into this -





Not the ladies, the guy with the white hair.
OH.




Just thought I'd mention, not many people do. The way in which he turns into Satan.

I MEAN SERIOUSLY.(Average black guys response)
DAAAAAAAAAAAYUUUUUUUUM.
It looks painful, let's just say that. Poor old Shiro has his arms cut off. ( :c ) Then he's stabbed in the chest. Then he falls about, hmm, quite a distance. Then. And this is where it's like 'K LUL KWL.' He has sex with some woman...Well, she's on top, he's dying. Sexy. At this point in the Anime, if you're a die hard Athiest or Satanist you're probably loling your socks off at how much they went out of their way to fuck off the Christians. AND THEN. In case, you know, necrophilia and killing children wasn't your cup of tea, I know it sure is mine!



So, what happens next is...In the next OVA, the woman who shagged our dying friend, gives birth. Wahay. It's not really a baby though, or an Alien. Of course it's our good mate Satan. Which kind of makes Shiro his own dad and son...But we're not going into that. So, he bursts out of this woman, fully grown. TALK ABOUT PAINFUL. I mean seriously, I'm pretty sure, most people would rather get kicked in the balls that give birth in that sense.
ON WITH THE CHARACTERS...

We see some kids in the second OVA, they seem very, kid-like??? I do not know. D:
We see an old Samurai bloke who laughs at Jubei. He draws pictures, WUNDER IF HE HUS DEVIUNTURT!? HUR HUR HUR.
We see the EVIL OLD MAN, who makes Shiro into Satan, by getting his daughter to shag him. :| This guy made me laugh so many times, he's so funny looking.
We see Jubei's dad. Who's a bit of a knob.
We see the resurrected samurai...
A long grey-haired, badass mother-fucker, who slashes up women/children/men/pets/fish/the air/water/himself/the sky (that counts as air I guess)/space/the sun...And, you get the picture. He's the strong, silent one I think.
A BIG DUDE, see what I did there, I wrote 'big dude' in CAPS, just emphasise how big this guy is. He rapes a woman and she explodes. I can see a facebook group now - 'That awkward moment where you rape someone and they explode.' <- Don't think about that too much.
A guy with a mask, a skeletal face and intestines that kill people.
FAIR FUCKING PLAY.
Satan, of course, is in their little gang.
AND RIGHT.
FINALLY.
THIS GUY.

YEAH INORYT. Basically, there's a guy near the end, hanging with the old brother, and he just stands there, acts a bit scared then totally jizzes for Satan to be revived...:| He is just THERE. He's probably my second favourite character in all honest. BUT WHO THE FUCK IS HE?

So...

ANIMATION 8/10
I could make out everything that was going on, so there it was fine.

CHARACTER 4/10
I would of liked for there to be more character development.

STORY 8/10
So it wasn't Akira or fucking Harry Potter, the story is simple but down to the point, AANNNDD, it was never finished in Anime form due to the controversy of it, so can't judge. (Har har.)

SOUND 5/10
My ears didn't bleed at any point I guess.

OVERALL 6-7/10
Lol, let's face it, the marking system doesn't work one fucking bit.
Tell you this though, it felt like when they made this Anime, they KNEW it would be controversial. You got Satan and Christians being ripped apart, and things which are historically inaccurate and annoying characters and people you've never heard of just appearing...Wait, am I reviewing the bible.
OHHH CHEAP SHOT.

Sorry guiz, I am, seriously, agnostic.

Anyway, it felt like because they knew this was going to be crap they decided, fuck it.
THE HATERS ARE GOING TO HATE.


And with this they vomited out everything in the two OVAS out onto the audience. Great if you have a vomit fetish.
I liked this Anime because I like the violent, boundary-pushing animes. Problem? Suck my dick. Simples. Also, before you look at me like I'm promoting beating children... I do know a good story/anime when I see one, no this isn't great. I can pretty much laugh it off and agree, that it can be very awful, but ah well.

SOME MORE THINGS FOR THE WAY HOME

Was it finished?

This Anime was never finished, and probably wont ever be. Which sucks, because it could be turned into something other than a mindless hack and slash. D: Maybe I'll finish it myself acting it out with a few of my imaginary friends and a knife collection...

NINJA SCROLL!?

It has nothing to do with the god of Animes. Get over it.

boku no sexual harassment 1994-1995

When I was born this was released. How fucked up is that?

Anyway. The story is pretty simple. Bloke realises he's pretty girly looking, uses it on ALL of his conveniently-homosexual bosses to climb up the cooperate ladder. And become the salesman he always wanted to be! -Encouragement face-

Why isn't that guy trying it out on the Apprentice?



O HAI MOCHIZUKE.
He's the main guy. Yeah, I know what you're thinking; He's a ginger. It's okay, I hate them too. So anyway, this guy couldn't BE any more an Uke. For real bro. He's proper homosex. But na, the character himself. He's okay, seems like a nice enough guy. :| Why are these main uke's always somewhat boring...? Anyway, he is probably the most irritating noise maker though ever. Him and Ashley Graham should have shouting wars...Everyone would die. By this I mean he sequels on most sex scenes, it's actually a bit funny.



Ayyyy. Mr.Honma. DON'T BE FOOLED. This guy will make you gay. No but seriously, that's actually quite a good picture, on ALL other parts of the Yaoi he either has his serious face or his rape face on. B) He's the main Seme, you know, this guy calls the shots, he gives, he's the man with the plan. He's always behind Mochizuke. OH GODDAMN. I couldn't resist, sorry. He's cool. If not, too serious...Hmmm.


Aw, bless him. These pictures are WAY too cute. Seriously man. They aren't this cute, they're actually evil. Well, this guy isn't he's sound. Sound as a pound~ Yeaaaahhhh. B)
No but seriously bluds. This guy's cool. He's Fujita. He fancies Mochizuke (EVERYONE DOES! :O) But well, he deserves better, most argue he could be an uke. But they even say at one point he was on a rugby team. SO URM HELLO. He's hot. 'Nuff said. Nice animations.

Niimi.
Why oh why, can I not find a picture of him where he ISN'T fucking something. :| This was my favourite character. He was cool. B) He got raped by corn.
Tough break.

BADUM DUM TIISSHHH!

The Expendables (2010)/ Inglorious Basterds (2009)

As I sat at my computer, RPG-maker open, Yaoi folder open, and a heap load of Tabs lurking around my Firefox, I came across this diamond. I saw the trailer for this movie on Youtube. I gasped. My face was actually like - :O. Being rather manly myself, and a massive fan of the action genre, a film with this many heroes in it, and this many explosions in it, I set myself the task of actually getting off my ask to watch this beauty. I did. In the Cinema. With food. Drink. And friends. It was cool. Damn cool.

So, the movie starts with terrorists. DAMN YOU TERRORISTS. What are they like?

Then. Dolph Lundgren blows one of them in half with a shotgun.

For some reason, I feel like this review should just finish now. Nothing more should be said, and anybody who has just read that line, should go watch the movie now. Drop everything, your wife is giving birth, your mum just died, or the kids are screaming about something shit, drop it. Go watch this fucking movie now. But d'ya know what, I shall cloud over all of your thoughts with even more awesomeness by going on about this film even more.
By the way, I think it's Dolph who blows someone up...I can't remember, they are just all so awesome...
On the subject of Dolph though, he's still fucking hot.

ANYWAY~

The film literally is godly. Did I mention that, Sylvester Stallone, is ACTUALLY Zeus and such, no? I didn't? Well, shit, for making this film, he is.
Personally, I hear a lot of people talk about plot shit, not much character development considering the MAHOOSIVE CAST OF AWESOMENESS, and the part where Sly replies with 'ONLY YOUR MOTHER' to something about who's working with him. People go on about this shit, as if to diss the film. But well, you just can't diss a film this great. Or else Jet Li will get you. This much is true.

But seriously, this film is for those who want a MAN film. The actors, well need I say anything? Are brilliant, and seeing the trio (people will know what I mean) unite, and then crack a joke about Arny wanting to be president is awesome in itself. The action is just, wow, and seeing Terry Crews fuck up people with a gun that could wipe out an entire country (and maybe more) is strangely satisfying. Sly and Jay (Jason, I'm gonna call him Jay, 'cause I can't be assed to write his name) are both very cool, and well, an odd partnership, but a very cool one. The chick in the movie, was a bit ':|' but can you blame me for not paying attention to her when I had the others guys on screen?

I like this film. I like it a lot. It's buff. And that's what I like. It's just action. Pure action.

If you are man you will watch this film. While eating metal curry, drinking beer, roaring about various things and also wearing tribal armor. BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT MEN DO.


Inglorious Basterds

This movie. I liked it.



Hell, I liked it. But TWO THING.

1. Where were the zombie Nazis?
2. (SPOILER WARNING) Why!? God why!? Did they kill off Sgt. Hugo Stiglitz so quickly and so easily. :'( I tell you, I was in love!

I thank you Basterds. I thank you Quentin Tarantino for finding me a new actor to oggle over.
YO SLY. IN THE NEXT EXPENDABLES FILM, HAVE TIL SCHWEIGER IN IT AND THEN I WILL OFFICIALLY LOVE HOLLYWOOD. (And that is a fucking bold statement there!)

But seriously! This film was funny, Brad Pitt made me lol too much, it was cool, the Jewish chick, content on burning Nazi's. And Eli Roth shooting Hitler repeatedly in the face!

Watch this film! It's really cool!
And 100% historically accurate! ;)

Ninja Scroll!

This is one of my favorite ever movies. And I heard that some time, there may be a live-action movie of it!
Seeing as I am an ace at the information of this film already, and know all the characters I'm going to go through them. And pick actors/actresses to play them. Because it's fun.

Jubei -


Could be played by...
Gerard Butler! -

I think they look a lot alike, Jubei having longer hair obviously, and I could see Butler acting as Jubei, with the witty lines, and determination, and well, you get the jist.

Kagero -

Although, a few years back I would have said Sean Young (Mainly because of her appearance in Blade Runner reminds me of Kagero a lot) I should pick a more modern actress. So instead, after thinking for about an hour.

Carrie-Anne Moss!(Otherwise known as Trinity :p)-


I think it would be an interesting part to play, and would be very interesting to see acted out by her. She could do it. Trinity is quite similar to Kagero, only a bit...more...happy...? :/

Okay, next. My favorite character.

Yurimaru! -


Masanobu Ando! -

Why? Because in Battle Royal he's an evil fucker, and he doesn't even speak. I think he looks kind of like Yurimaru, or could be made to look like him. And well, he does evil well.



More to come soon!...

Robocop (1987) Robocop

Maybe I am making a pattern here? Next I'll try find a movie from 1988.

Anyway, as I have been doing these character/movie analysis things lately. I shall now pick my favorite movie ever. And my favorite character from it.
Now, everyone else seems to love Clarence. Oh, I do. But Robocop. Is my man. Robot...Ur, thing.



So anyway, I saw this movie when I was one of those little people who eat cookies and shout a lot. It blew me away. Robocop became my hero. The other girls in the playground had Barbie, fuck that, I had Robocop. I really have loved this movie for a long time now, the first one was great, the second one was alright, and the third one I refuse to the comment on. Whenever I have, I swear I have been near to vomiting.
Robocop used to be copper, Alex J Murphy, who has basically just started the job in a new town. Here, he meets Anne Louis. She's cool. Everything in this film is cool. This film only gets praise from me. That and me pointing my phone at the screen to take a photo of the bloke's face after he sees his mate covered in toxic. Because that was fucking funny. Anyway, back to Robocop.

Robocop is a badass, law-enforcing, metal son-of-a-WHA!? who beats anything evil in sight.
I mean. Beat. He owns Clarence. He doesn't just own him. But on some youtube videos he chucks him through a window about 100 times. Aha, they should have made it like that in the film. Just to emphasize how fucking kick ass Robocop is.


Robocop does have a nice side though!

But that's all I can say on the matter...
Moving on.

He could destroy Terminator using just his feet, and then drink a pint of baby food, before you could say "OH MY FUCKING GOD! TWO ROBOTS FIGHTING! WHERE'S MEGAN FOX, I'M GOING TO VIDEO THIS AND MAKE IT INTO TRANSFORMERS! YYEAAAAAHHHHH." Well that's quite a mouth full, but hey, try destroying a robot with just your feet. It's tough okay.
SO that closes that little argument.
Anyway, I may update this daily or something. Give something do if I have a few minutes off from my busy schedule. HAR HAR HAR.

Oh, also.

This is something I want.

The Hitcher (1986) John Ryder

Now, let me get this straight. This man. Is my favorite movie baddie ever. He's sly, somehow sexy, psychopathic, and very...well...It's Rutger Hauer in the 80s, need I say more?

So anyway, in this first ever blog post to do with film, I'm going to analyze the character of John Ryder. I warn you, I haven't seen the modern version of the movie, so I am only basing my ideas off of the well-portrayed by Rutger psychopath that appears in the 80s version of the movie.

John Ryder

Am I obsessed with this fictional character? Or just bored? Or are the deep VNV Nation lyrics getting to me?
I don't know. But anyway, let me begin.

People have always said I have gone into far too much detail and thought about little things, but I couldn't care a fuck.

Motivation

John Ryder is an interesting character to say the least. Going into watching The Hitcher (1986) you get the feeling of a typical slasher movie (common of that time in Horror) - In fact the movie harbors the factors of a typical Slasher movie. A psycho, prey, a pretty girl, and some extremely stupid police officers. But as soon as this movies psychopath begins to talk, I think the audience kind of realizes that this killer isn't just a boring slasher with no opinions. In fact John Ryder breaks conformity among the slasher baddies. It may Rutger hauer's legendary acting skills, but either way this character is extremely intriguing for someone who has a bored open mind like myself.

"Because I cut off his legs...
and his arms...
and his head.
And I'm gonna do
the same to you. "
Everything is normal, a bit surreal for the protagonist Jim Halsey, who bless, is well portrayed by C. Thomas Howell.
(Goddamn it I am full of praise!)
But anyway, as soon as this line pops up and Jim stares at Ryder in horror, Ryder flips out his trusty knife (trusty knife? is that too cute for a serial killer?) and begins to torture the poor boy.

Now, not in a "I'm gonna cut off your ear kinda way." But more a kind of torture way...Like pouring salt into someones cut, or scratching chalk down a board, or watching Glee...




Ryder fucks with Jim's head. At the point I was talking about earlier, with the knife. He rubs the knife mainly all over him, telling him this.
"You want to know what happens
to an eyeball when it gets punctured?
You got any idea how much blood jets out
of a guy's neck...
when his throat's been slit? "

Then it goes on...

"What do you want?
I want you to stop me.
You got the knife.
You'll stick me with it
before I can do anything.
That's right. So what have you
got to lose? Stop me.
Crying isn't gonna help.
Keep driving!
Please. I'll do anything." (The kids got balls, fair play, would you say that after having a closed knife jabbed into your crotch by some guy who likes touching your face?)

So anyway, carrying on...

"Say four words:
Say...
''I want to die.''
Say what?
''I want to die.''
Say it."
This is what I was getting to. In the movie, Ryder says this to Jim. When Jim shocked replies with "say what?" as if to say he's never considered it, Ryder gives a look to floor. The camera staying focused on Rutger's character, shows us some sort of misery there within his character. He tells Jim he wants him to stop him, he tests him, gives him ways out of being killed.
He gives him the keys to a truck, to get out before the place blows up.
He kills guards in prison so Jim can get out.
He gives him the bullets to his gun.
he has perfect opportunities in which he could kill him. But he doesn't at these points.
Ryder wants to die. But first in my peverted mind, he probably wants to do Jim.
Na jk.




Style
He's one stylish pup is that Ryder.

He wears a long trench coat, with what I can tell to be a suit or something under-neigh, a shirt and trousers. Worn out, and battered. The air of mystery around him is emphasized by what he wears.
My theory, BAM, could be that perhaps he was once just a normal bloke.
NOW. HEAR ME OUT.

Perhaps he was a salesman or something pretty average, gone mad, at a younger age. he has knowledge of the world, and seems to have some sort of beliefs, he's well-educated I'd think, he puts coins on Jim's face, which is what some do to the dead. Now, i didn't know this before watching the film. So either I'm thick, Ryder watches a lot of movies, or he's educated.

Also, at one point he is in a family car with kid(s) he seems to play with them and the parents trust him and it's all happy, therefore showing he can be manipulative and knows the way in which people want others to act around them.
He's also pretty fit. But this is just me swooning. Tell me to shut the fuck up, men.



John Ryder is a character fed up with life, he doesn't care anymore, for anyone or anything. he only tries to kill Jim when he knows there is a chance he himself could die.
He kills others to see if they stop him, and as a general release and perhaps to take out anger. He's almost a source of knowledge for Jim throughout the film.
"The gun is empty." - Jim you silly fool, listen to the man, he's got it going on.

One part of me says, the whole movie is based around Ryder trying to kill himself, but thinking at the same time 'Ah, well, if it doesn't go to plan I can just kill this kid. And then some other kid will show...And so on..."
Another part of me just wanted him and Jim to just "fuck and get it over with."



To those who will say, I know I am a bit of a freak in how much I get into things but I like letting my imagination play on characters from films, and I hope other people will read this and share their ideas. If I missed anything out that I wanted to put but forgot, I'll edit the post later.

Thanks if your read this. (:

P.s - I won't watch the newer Hitcher movie because I don't want to have to cry myself to sleep through disappointment. Also, Sean Bean is pretty damn cool...But Rutger wins it on this one.